It’s not easy to say who I am.

Which characteristics should I choose first? Physical traits (external or internal “ I’ve a lovely pair of kidneys?) and if so, as these features are now, or when I was a child/adolescent? Perhaps I should describe my job, my family (now or of origin?) the flat I live in, the food/music/books I Iike, the clothes I wear, my daily routine, a history of my life, or what I feel about things?

Unfortunately these are all labels and don’t define the real me (if there is one). When I was at school adolescents wrote the name of their favourite groups on their school bags so that peers could immediately scan the bags, compartmentalise the information and define the bag-owner as friend, foe or someone they just couldn’t give a shit about. An efficient system that forwent introductory niceties. The Schoolbag Syndrome is just a crude example of what all people do every moment of every day – compartmentalisation, judgement, prejudice. I do it. By extrapolation and talking to others I assume other people do it too.

In the beginning there was the Word and thereupon appeared discrimination, flattery, idealisation, collecting things, addiction, refuse, indifference, sarcasm, oneuppersonship, snooty and exclusive behaviour, manipulation, exclusivity and the term “deluxe”. Luckily, I don’t think there was a beginning and if there was, then the Word (or the Label/Ticket) certainly wasn’t around.

What of impermanence? When I started writing this I wasn’t aware that I needed to go for a piss, but now I am.

The Oxford Shortish dictionary defines I:
n. (the I) Metaphysics the ego; the subject or object of self-consciousness.

and need:
3 v. intr. archaic be necessary. (not that the Oxford is necessarily any more reliable than I am at coming up with definitions).

Is the need to go for a piss part of me or am I just a channel for this need, i.e. does it have an inherent existence that is other than me? If the i.e. is true, then I am also only a channel for blond/black/brown/grey hairness/baldness/fingernailness and thoughts and feelings. If not, then who is the "I" that needs the piss? I inhale and exhale. I need the air to oxygenate the blood. But is the air in my lungs me? Maslow’s pyramid of needs is fine but who does the needing? It's interesting that in some languages (Spanish amd Arabic, for example) the subject "I" and the verb "need" are squashed up into one word.

This may sound like a load of mental masturbation but I remember having feelings like these when I was a child and an adolescent (feelings that I could not have possibly expressed then. Even now the expression is not totally accurate but is an attempt more or less to "get there") and suspect they have influenced me a lot. A lack of ambition in many areas, something I once thought to be a problem but am now convinced is a gift, is an example.

A lot of the psychotherapy I have done (I am no expert) seems to have been geared to either deconstructing the ailing, pathological, destructive "self" and reconstructing a positive notion of the "self" (i.e. it’s perfectly healthy and acceptable to be a total wanker- laughs!). Little dips into oriental philosophy and epistemology, on the other hand, appear to question the very idea of the "self".

These questions are probably unanswerable. Anyway, this undefinable I still gets a sore arse after a long cycle ride and feels it needs to get angry, sad, afraid and to feel affection.

So I have to start somewhere. Fear dictates that I’ll start by postponing the description/definition until the next post.

Question: "Who cares who you are?"
Possible answer: "Who or what is the who who cares or doesn’t care and what is the who caring or not caring about?"

In the next post I may tell you who my favourite football team is or perhaps I'll explain why you are me.